Kyuhyun is well aware that if he had never become an idol, then he might never have had a near-death experience.
He's also equally aware that the accident probably saved his career.
He wonders that if his death would've caused another clause to be added to the contract -- Any traumatic experiences causing either mental or physical distress and/or injury to signed permits the signed to break the contract without repercussions. If that would've been enough to make Han Geng stay.
(And he decides, no, nothing would've changed.)
There's always Before and After the accident now.
Before, he had been, what he likes to believe, normal -- liked girls, had a thing for legs and sweet smiles, spent more time bent over magazines and computers than studying, sometimes blaring out some DBSK just because. Because he was normal.
Because Cho Kyuhyun wasn't one to stand out, he made a special effort to fit in. He did as he was told, didn't chew (much) with his mouth open and prayed before bed every night.
But as life went on and time passed, Kyuhyun started to question it. Did he believe in God? Truthfully; no. Did he still pray, attend church and read the Bible? Occasionally.
No one blamed him; no one could blame him because he was focusing on more than just a crisis of faith. He was growing up, realising his dreams and making them happen.
Looking back, Jaejoong-the-idol had been his first crush. Looking back, Jaejoong-sunbae had been his first moment of absolute, breathless love.
Looking back, Sungmin had been the one to save him.
If Kyuhyun had been stronger a person -- Siwon, Hyukjae, Ryeowook -- he might've still believed after the accident. But in his near death state, he didn't hear or see God; only a lonely voice telling him that everything would be alright.
Some days, he believes in Hyukjae.
Kyuhyun knows that being an idol and joining SM Entertainment had changed him, but on some days he thinks it's for the worse. He remembers how he'd been shut off and listless, following instructions blindly until -- that had been Before.
After, something changed. Sneered more than smiled, teased his hyungs and flinched at hugs. Temporary displays of affection seemed just that - temporary, not even worth the time it took to initiate it.
When he bit back a smile and sneered, he remembers what Sungmin had said.
"So that's the real Kyuhyun."
Sometimes, he thinks changing had been for the better.
Sometimes, Kyuhyun simply wallows in self-pity, wondering how he got here, in this position.
On so many levels, he feels like he doesn't deserve this. Or that he deserves better. Or that -- why does this exist? This job?
No, it isn't a job. A job is something you're obligated to do with no real positive feelings. This, this position they're in, they're meant to love it unconditionally, always, and be appreciative of it. Be humble and thankful for it. Always positive feelings, always.
With Kyuhyun, though, that's a problem. It's hard to feel happy about, what is ultimately, a job. He isn't Donghae. He isn't Jungsu. Though maybe it would be better if he was.
But Kyuhyun goes through life thinking of 'what if's. What if the idea of SJM hadn't ever been conceived? Would Zhou Mi and Henry still gone through all that pain? Would they know each other?
Maybe it's better if SJM never existed and Henry and Zhou Mi existed somewhere else, in another country, or in another world. If they had only seen each other in passing, in the hallway or maybe at the airport, always in transit, once or twice in their lifetimes.
Maybe that should be the real reality, maybe it should've happened that way instead.
But Kyuhyun is glad that this is the present that they're living in. Maybe he's selfish and self-centered, but he's glad he's met them, and they're -- he likes to think -- his friends. Because he values them, and hopes the same.
(one of the first scenes I wrote; I tried to incorporate it later but it never worked out.)
"I have superpowers," Kyuhyun whispered to Zhou Mi, just to fuck with him, and because Zhou Mi believed 99.95% of what you told him.
"Yeah, I can make things move with my mind. I'll show you later."